Why do I feel relieved when my 1yo daughter goes down for a nap?
Why do I not reach for the same feeling of relief while she is awake?
Isn’t it just my own resistance?
The Dao of parenting…sleep deprivation edition
Parenting is really really demanding.
But it’s our own resistance that makes those demands difficult to meet.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking to preach here; last night was one of the most challenging I’ve had in a while, so I want to move forward on this subject.
It helps to see these challenges as bringing to attention our own pockets of resistance.
But don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t feel like that right now.
When things feel really tough it’s not the best time to reach for answers. At those times the best we can do is to find the barest positives like “at least we’re all still alive!”
Here comes some resolve!
But this morning I’m feeling a little more focused. I know last night was an unwanted experience. I know I didn’t reach for relief. I know I can do better and by doing better I mean feeling better.
So I intend to remember the things I learned and applied with our first child.
Our first child was a steep learning curve and there were tough times for sure. But I recall moments of real clarity and focus that I now think were even more powerful than I realised at the time.
Be like water
The Dao is often likened to water, because water flows without effort, never holds itself back, is content to take the lowest position, but in the grand scheme of things is unstoppable in its influence.
Interacting with an infant or young child, being like water means being sensitive and adaptable without contrivances or resistance.
After all, children want to be happy and feel good. We don’t make them happy, we merely provide the basic things they need.
Happiness comes naturally.
In Chinese this kind of nature is 自然 ziran and I love this word because it basically means “flows from oneself”.
So the happiness of a child flows from itself.
But that’s not how it feels. It feels like the little darling wants to scream and cry and be constantly dissatisfied.
How can happiness be natural when the kid is so often inconsolable?
Let go of resistance
It may not be obvious at first, but there is a natural flow and it is most likely our resistance to that flow that comes before the screaming and crying kick in.
We need to be sensitive and let go of our own demands and arbitrary deadlines and procedures. In effect, we need to be guided by the child.
But the guiding can’t start in the midst of a meltdown. Start when things are relatively easy.
She has to eat!
Here’s my first point of resistance. She has to eat, and it’s vital that she eat at this time because she needs to sleep at this other time, or else she’ll be overtired and the whole schedule will fall apart and she’ll probably get sick and we’ll all die horribly..
Okay that last part is exaggerated.
But notice that before she gets upset, I’m approaching her with a determination that she must eat a certain amount of food at a specific time or else everything will fall apart!
What if she’s not hungry?
What if she’s teething and it hurts to eat?
What happens if she doesn’t eat right now?
Have a little faith
If she doesn’t eat right now, she’ll eat later when she’s hungry.
If she doesn’t sleep right this minute, she’ll sleep later when she’s tired.
And guess what? Feeding her later and sleeping her later will be so much easier if I haven’t spent the past hour or so fighting with her to eat when she’s not hungry and sleep when she’s not tired!
A little bit of faith in nature is essential. And if you talk to anyone who’s had a few kids their faith is heavily seasoned by experience.
Speaking of nature as “flowing from oneself”, our 1yo hadn’t pooped for three whole days. But we knew from our first child (and yes we worried back then) that this is totally normal.
Make sure they have plenty of water, make sure their diet is good. Otherwise just sit back and wait because it will inevitably flow from themselves!
And when it comes, it will come abundantly….
But what about my schedule?
If your schedule works, then keep doing it. But if you’re finding that “nothing works!”, if you’re at the end of your tether, then consider no longer fighting, resisting, or struggling.
What I’m reminding myself is that when I let go of my preconceptions and resistance and have the intention to just flow naturally, I become more relaxed and more sensitive to what is going on.
I’m better able to read her moods and wants and needs and she seems to adapt to my greater ease and letting go of the struggle.
We create our reality
My problem is not that I’m forced to care for a difficult child single-handed. My problem is that I’ve let worries and cares and resistance accrue for a while and I’ve only gone looking for relief when I felt completely overwhelmed.
It’s taken time for me to acknowledge I want life to be different on this subject.
And then it took more time for me to know how I want it to be different, the kind of difference I’d like to see.
It’s not about the baby, it’s about me and my habits of reaching for better feelings, or digging more firmly into resistance.
So to come full circle – she’s asleep right now, not because I made an effort or was super patient, but because I felt suddenly inspired to leave the house and go for a walk with her.
She fell asleep about twenty minutes into the walk, but I hardly noticed because I was busy looking at the beautiful houses and trying to work out which house owned a tiny little driveway that I’d never noticed, tucked away between two other houses.
It turned out to be the rear entrance to a massive heritage estate, taking up about 4,000 sqm of land right in the midst of ordinary suburbia.
I’d never noticed it before, but isn’t that a wonderful omen? In the midst of “normalcy” we might stumble upon the path to something amazing and beautiful, so long as we are open to that experience!