This morning I woke up and found myself resistant to meditation.
I went through my morning practice of reading a script I’ve written to focus myself, but instead of focusing I felt more resistance to it.
I don’t want to just push against my resistance. After all, I’m creating it. I’m actively creating the resistance to my own desire.
Since my intention to meditate is so conscious, it’s natural to take its side and see the resistant part as an obstacle to be overcome.
But experience has shown that these less-conscious parts of me are older and have been around longer. It’s like wanting to knock down a wall inside your house only to discover that it’s load-bearing.
In that case, bear in mind this older part of me doesn’t exist to resist efforts to meditate. It probably came into existence before I’d even heard of meditation. No, that part has its own aims and reference points that just happen to interfere with my intent to meditate.
So the real question is why, at this time of day and in this context, does part of me not want to just pay attention to a sound so as to suspend thought?
And the answer taking shape is that part of me really hates being told what to do, and would rather idly do nothing at all than go along with someone’s orders or commands.
Apparently that defiance extends to some of my own conscious intentions.
As with yesterday’s post, this older part of me doesn’t feel good. It’s a reaction to unwanted circumstances from the past where I was ordered around and coerced to such an extent that I resolved to fight it wherever I could.
But this defiance or passive non-compliance has continued despite changing circumstances. It’s no longer relevant, but has been running in the background anyway, clamping down in response to perceived orders, commands, and coercion…including my own “order” to practice meditation first thing this morning.
So, ironically, this part of me actually is resistant to meditating, because it’s resistant to all impositions of action, all perceived coercion.
This might seem a bit disheartening but it’s actually evidence of meditation working, by bringing up resistant elements and allowing me to become conscious of them.
Because it’s a part of me, albeit forgotten by me, to furiously resent coercion and retreat from it into a kind of pyrrhic isolation.
Meditation brought this part of me to the fore, and it is clearly a lot bigger than just the subject of meditation.
It explains, perhaps, why I struggle to stick to a schedule. Why I enjoy endeavours in the experimental and exploratory stages but completely lose interest the moment those endeavours become structured, organised, and formalised with some kind of external accountability – real or imagined.
I vowed to never again put myself in a position where I could be coerced or ordered around, then forgot my vow and went on with life.
What comes next is allowing this question to become fully conscious in my current life and circumstances: is coercion really a threat to me? Do I want to continue seeing the world through the lens of defiant self-sabotage?