It’s a game…05!

There are things we want in life that sometimes seem difficult or impossible to have.

Thinking about how to get them usually leads us into a downward spiral. So Abraham-Hicks advises that we instead focus on why we want these things.

The answer is always ultimately because of how we will feel when we have the things we desire.

Having a great relationship or an amazing job would make it easier to feel good – at least at first.

But since happiness is a vibrational game, it’s not the thing that makes us happy, it’s the vibration we are focused on.

The person you want to be with doesn’t make you feel good; it’s your vibration on the subject of that person. When you think about that person/subject you activate a vibration closer to the vibration of your inner being, and so you feel good.

But you can also think about that same person or situation and activate a vibration further away from the vibration of your inner being, and that will feel bad.

And since life is about creating and expanding through our desires these good and bad feeling vibrations correspond to thoughts that allow or resist our desires.

So what to do?

It might sound a bit strange, but since happiness is a vibrational game why not find the really good feeling vibration you associate with having that relationship or getting that job, and just feel the vibration now?

That’s what Abraham-Hicks are teaching. How do you feel when you imagine being with that person? Excitement, adventure, connection, energy. How do you feel when you imagine having that job? Purposeful, creative, proud, accomplished, energised.

When you imagine it to the point of feeling it, you activate the vibration. Just practice that vibration now. It couldn’t be more simple.

It’s not the person or the job or any other condition making you feel so good. It’s the vibration. And you can have the vibration right now and in every moment and eternally.

The question is: do you want to feel that good right now? Don’t feel bad about it, but you’re probably not ready to feel that good. That’s why Abraham-Hicks advises to start with just aiming to feel better.

But when you are ready to find the vibration of the things you desire, then you can enjoy the essence of your desire in this very moment.

Accepting love without earning it

Many of us grow up feeling that our place in the world is not assured, that love and happiness must be earned or accomplished.

We look for ways to please others or keep our own hope alive – the thought that being different, becoming more or better will bring us the love we desire.

As adults it can be hard to disentangle being loved as we are from these patterns of behaviour that are all about being loved for what we do or who we hope to become.

In relationships we tune out the love that is already there, and focus instead on our own promises and ideals about the person we want to be.

Love and momentum

Even if we are loved for who we are, our own self-image may be tied up with “being better”.

We are carried by the momentum of old stories in which we imagined ourselves being more successful, more attractive, more loveable in any number of ways.

But in most cases the people who actually love us don’t know those stories and don’t care either. People love us not for our promise of who we are going to be; they love us for who we have been the whole time.

If we really want to feel that love, it has to start with us. We have to begin thinking thoughts about how loveable we already are, and always have been.

We need to appreciate that we have always been loved in our very essence, quite apart from our qualities and attributes.

And it helps a whole lot to know that who we are in essence is love. Our innermost being is an extension of divine love. Love is less a condition of how others relate to us and more a condition of our very existence.

When you charge your phone you don’t think about whether your phone deserves electricity or not. You charge it because that’s what it needs to function.

Your heart doesn’t beat because you’ve earned it. It beats because that’s what life is.

And this is what love is too: it’s the feeling of life within you, the spiritual essence of your existence here. Love is the greater part of your being, and it’s focused right now and always on your physical experience.

Emotional guidance

In fact that’s why it felt so bad in the first place: the very thought that we might not be worthy of the love we had enjoyed naturally as small children. It’s the falseness and disharmony of this thought that caused us such strong emotional guidance to the contrary.

The more we thought “I’m not good enough”, the worse we felt.

And in that awful feeling of emptiness arose the idea of changing ourselves until we were good enough.

But that just adds more plans and strategies on top of the initial falsehood. We don’t feel bad because we aren’t loved; we feel bad because we keep focusing on thoughts that feel bad, thoughts like “I’m not good enough”.

And the answer isn’t quite “I am good enough”, because love was never something we earned.

Love is natural. Love is who I am. Love is part of my being. Love is the precondition of my existence. Love is my starting point, my foundation. Love is always present to me. Love is the source of my being.

There is nothing I need do. There is nothing asked of me. There is nothing required for love to flow, except that I allow it.

Does your happiness seem far away?

Your reality is a reflection of what’s going on inside you – the average of all your thoughts and attitudes.

So if it seems like your happiness is far away: be it relationships, wealth, career or anything; or if it feels like there are weighty obstacles to your desires, these obstacles and this distance are a perfect reflection of the resistance within you.

If you have doubts about a major purchase you might be tempted to make the purchase anyway. But the doubts won’t be resolved by action alone. Instead you’ll find new reflections of doubt in your fresh circumstances.

If you think you can make a relationship happen through effort despite obstacles, know that the obstacles are reflecting resistance already in you. Trying to change the circumstances will just bring the resistance out by another path.

If wealth seems always out of reach it’s not the external distance that’s the problem but the internal resistance in the form of thoughts about wealth, value, economics and so on.

Use the reflection

The good news is that we can use the reflection or manifestation to understand and ease our resistance.

If it seems like there are no jobs for people like me, or if the only jobs for which I am qualified appear soul-destroying in their awfulness, that’s just a reflection of my thoughts about money.

Someone like me doesn’t deserve easy money.

The cost of obtaining money is just too high.

Money requires sacrifice.

Yet I’ve had jobs that were objectively easy, and did I enjoy them? No. I created and focused on aspects of the jobs that kept alive the feeling of sacrifice or struggle.

If the job was easy, I spent every day fearing that I’d be called to account for not accomplishing enough.

I balanced out the easy money by feeling untenable guilt and unworthiness.

Close the gap in yourself

Instead of struggling to change the reflection or manifestation, work on resolving, soothing, or otherwise improving the thoughts you focus on.

Struggle and action will only move things around, they won’t change the underlying cause.

Whatever distance or obstacles appear in your reality, the real gap is not between your present circumstances and your desired outcome; the real gap is between your thoughts and your desires.

Work on closing that gap, simply by finding thoughts that feel better.

And when your thoughts actually change, then you’ll see that the distance doesn’t matter, obstacles don’t mean anything, and new possibilities arise without any effort on your part.

Doing the dishes…happily?

I’ve struggled with doing the dishes and tidying the kitchen because on the one hand I don’t like it being messy and cluttered but on the other hand I’m tired of being the one cleaning it most of the time.

My wife and I have discussed it in the past but it feels like a stalemate.

I find myself again and again gritting my teeth and just doing it because “otherwise it won’t get done”.

So I decided to apply some of the Abraham-Hicks principles I’ve been working with and see if I can feel better about this situation.

It’s not the situation

It’s not the situation causing me to feel bad, it’s my thoughts about the situation.

I don’t need to know specifically which thoughts, and trying to hunt them down is usually counterproductive.

I already know I feel trapped because I want the dishes done, I’m tired of always doing them, and I don’t want to revisit a fruitless and aggravating discussion with my wife.

So what’s the opposite of all that? I want to feel free, I want to feel inspired and energised. I want to feel easy about doing the dishes.

My first thought is “they have to get done” and before I even get to the follow up I can tell this doesn’t feel good.

Do they really have to get done? Is that really how I want to approach these chores?

No wonder I feel stuck. The dishes are a burden even before I decide that I’m the one who should bear it.

Focus on the positive

After much practice at feeling better I had enough momentum to reconsider the situation and say “I love having a clean and tidy kitchen!”

Now it’s no longer a burden, it’s a statement of value. I love a clean and tidy kitchen.

And suddenly it flowed from there: I might not always have the energy to clean and tidy it. It might not always be entirely clean and tidy. But I still love and appreciate a clean and tidy kitchen.

And somehow with that positive statement I found I had the focus not just to clean some of the dishes…enough to make some room…but to clean all of the dishes. Three lots including some dirty pans from earlier in the week.

I cleaned them and dried them and put them away, not because they are a terrible burden under which I must suffer, but because I love and appreciate a clean and tidy kitchen.

Then I took the bin out and various bottles and cans that needed to be recycled. I kept going until the kitchen was as clean as it usually gets. I kept going until it mirrored the satisfaction and love that was guiding me.

Domestic insanity

I was definitely raised to see these kinds of chores as a burden, and carrying that attitude into my own home life is a shame.

All this time I could have been rewarding myself with love and appreciation for my clean kitchen, instead of forcing myself to endure the endless burden of dirty dishes that just have to get done somehow!

I can see now that when my wife did do the dishes I’d feel guilty that she was shouldering the “burden”.

It was a no win situation, but by finding a better-feeling way to think about it, it is totally transformed.

I like to think this is a microcosm of my Happiness work at large. Starting where I am, I’m finding that there have always been many things to feel good about, and many ways to feel good about them.

Be the person you want to be

Talking to a friend who was desperate for a romantic partner, I gave what I thought was pretty good advice:

Work on becoming the best version of yourself, otherwise you might meet the right person and not be ready for them.

I think there are much better ways to communicate this. My words were still focused on the negative aspect of what is actually a very positive thing:

If you get the rest of your life in order, the right person will come along.

That’s better, but I think the Abraham Hicks material is better still:

The person you desire is over there waiting for you; but you’re not going over there because you’re so firmly focused on all the things you don’t like and don’t want.

That’s paraphrasing and we can add more:

If they met you right now they probably wouldn’t like you, because you don’t even like you. You’re sending out a distress signal thinking a partner will come in and rescue you…but that’s not the kind of relationship you really want…

And so on.

Everything is like this

It’s not just about romantic partners, everything is like this.

When I was younger I unwittingly used this approach to meet my wife, find a job, and buy my first car.

In hindsight I can see how it all worked. The key is that I believed the outcome I wanted was inevitable, and with that trust and assurance I got on with other things.

I went from an attitude of need and urgency to one of inevitability and curiosity.

I know I’ll meet the right person…I wonder what the right person looks like?

It’s inconceivable that there’s no job for me out there, I’ll recognise it when I see it, and if that’s the case I bet it’s going to be something unique and appealing.

But at some point I got too world-weary and thought I knew all the possibilities. I let go of my own freedom in exchange for pessimism and a cynical kind of knowing “how the world works”.

Be ready for your life

The life we want to lead is out there too and it’s up to us to be ready for it.

Ready means: being happy, enjoying life, being healthy, taking care of ourselves, looking out for others, and being the kind of person we think we would be if we had the kind of life we wanted.

Because all the time spent worrying about unwanted aspects of life is actually time spent being a person we don’t want to be.

And that worrying, negative, pessimistic person will create a reality that matches.

Reflecting on love and neglect

I’ve noticed more and more of these reflections in life.

Say that someone you love is neglecting you.

That neglect is painful.

But it’s not just you who are the victim of neglect. If they love you, yet they neglect you, then they are implicitly neglecting their own love as well.

In that sense, their neglect of you reflects their neglect of themselves, since love is central to our existence.

But there’s more.

Because in order to be neglected by someone you love, you must accept that neglect. Unless you are a child, you are a participant in the neglect you suffer, for as long as you put up with it.

And that acceptance of neglect implies…yes, you guessed it, a further neglect of love in oneself.

So you neglect me, and in so doing neglect yourself. And I accept your neglect, and so doing neglect myself too.

There’s something truly mysterious going on here.

The only way for me to stop being neglected by you is to stop neglecting myself, which means no longer accepting the neglect.

In fact, if I keep on accepting your neglect, then not only am I participating in my own neglect, but I’m participating in your own self-neglect as well.

To stop accepting neglect might look like rejecting the relationship. It isn’t. It’s setting a condition or a boundary. You can quite rightly say “I’d still love to see you, but I no longer accept neglect.” It’s then up to the other person to decide what they want to do.

Some of us are so good at neglecting ourselves, we find it hard not to neglect others too, even the people we care most about in the world.

It’s not a coincidence. If you can treat yourself with utter neglect, of course you can do it to someone you love. It’d be almost miraculous if you didn’t.

We have this idea that loving someone means putting up with suffering for their sake. But it’s important to know when your suffering is and isn’t helping the person you love.

In this case, letting someone you love neglect you is not helping them, rather it’s participating in their own self-neglect, and likely your own as well.

It’s fascinating and significant that we are brought together with people like this in life. The people we love are very much on a journey with us. And while it may seem a platitude sometimes to say that love is the answer, in the end it always is.