Love is not earned

Children lack insight into the minds and motives of adults, so as children we tend to take other people’s behaviour at face value.

I could never understand why things were often bleak and unpleasant at home. It didn’t make sense to me; but over time I concluded that I must have done something wrong, or failed to do something right and thereby earned these unhappy interactions.

Those thoughts stayed with me for a long time. In my interactions with new people I would be mindful of their possible expectations and my own “performance” according to those mysterious criteria.

I worried about making mistakes or doing something wrong in other people’s eyes. I would often second-guess people’s words and my own actions, trying to predict possible offences and conflict.

All that anxiety and effort stemmed from the false childhood premise that I was being treated according to my worth or desert, and these were lacking. I brought these thoughts to new interactions and looked for evidence to confirm them.

A new premise

With the benefit of knowing how I create my reality with my thoughts and focus, I can look back and see that things were not as bleak as I make out. If I hadn’t taken to heart the bad moods and cruel comments, there was plenty of room to manoeuvre.

If I had applied the Abraham-Hicks principles I would have had a much happier childhood.

It’s okay that I didn’t. My unhappiness has given me a correspondingly magnificent desire for joy, freedom, and expansion.

But looking back is helpful in this moment because I don’t want to keep those old thought patterns going anymore.

My new premise is that instead of getting the treatment I deserve, I get the reality I allow. God wants me to be happy, His love and blessings have never stopped flowing into me. It’s up to me to enjoy the flow instead of resisting it, to look to where the blessings are instead of where they aren’t.

There is no stream of bad things raining down on me because of some fault or error of mine. There are only good things that I allow, or resist.

Life is as good as I allow it to be; I am as happy as I allow myself to feel. Searching for my own faults and trying to avoid making mistakes was itself just the product of a misunderstanding.

There is no degree of personal perfection required to turn your life around. There is no correction of faults or errors required before people start treating you right. We do not earn God’s love and blessings, they are freely given.

We just have to accept them.

Divided minds

How can we be unaware of our own conflicting wants and intentions?

I want to feel good, but part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me thinks feeling good is pointless without the power and control and knowledge to protect oneself from others.

Momentum

I’ve encountered these internal divisions before but now I have a way to explain it.

There is no actual division, just momentum.

I have old thoughts about needing to be in control and how vain it is to feel happy without the power to ensure it. These thoughts have momentum, and they pull in a different direction from my new thoughts about happiness and feeling good.

These old thoughts were fairly intense, but momentum is just momentum. As I change my thoughts the new direction becomes stronger and eventually will dominate.

False premises

It can help to recognise that my old thoughts are based on a premise I no longer agree with.

I no longer believe that life just happens to us through circumstances largely beyond our control. Instead I think we create our reality, our experience through our focus and attention.

So while I used to think the best I could do was to develop self-control to resist the infringements of a hostile environment, now I think the best I can do is focus in the direction of thoughts and feelings that feel good, because this is the key to recreating my environment.

Don’t lose hope. Momentum is gradually dispelled and false premises are abandoned. It won’t all happen at once, but with persistence it will happen.

This blog post itself is an expression or reflection of the change in my thoughts’ momentum too. Feeling good has become powerful enough that the conflict with my old thoughts rose to the surface naturally!

Persist in feeling better! It may take a while but the change is inevitable. And then you will get to experience the joy of focusing with a unified mind and thoughts.