I want to use my daily writing discipline to focus on letting go. But is that a contradiction?
Years ago I told my Chinese philosophy teacher that meditation tended to make me more tense.
“Relax harder, dammit!” he laughed.
I’d love to find better ways to let go of the tension I’m used to holding; and I’ve been noticing lately that the tension really is intentional.
Like most long-standing yet unwanted conditions, the thoughts creating tension in me have a lot of momentum to them, from a time when I very intently sought control over my physical body.
An intentional state
That’s the other way tension is intentional: it’s a state of stretching or reaching for something. Longstanding physical tension isn’t arbitrary, it’s informed by an effort that uses the body in a taxing way.
Expecting criticism and attack from others, I intentionally tried to control my gaze, my facial expression and my observable physical reactions.
I had this ideal of always looking implacable and unperturbed.
But the only way to maintain such tight control is to prime those muscles with tension, inhibiting spontaneous and natural responses.
Have you ever tried not to laugh or smile at an inappropriate time? You can do it if you clamp down on your expression, clench your jaw and look away as if concentrating elsewhere.
Or what about trying to hold back anger? Again, clench your jaw, stare straight ahead, set your face like stone and seem impassive.
But the worst is being ridiculed, criticised or mistreated on account of your natural expression. “Wipe that stupid grin off your face”, “watch out, the wind might change”, “what are you looking at?” “Don’t just stand there looking like an idiot” These kinds of comments teach you that you are judged for your expression and body language, fairly or unfairly, and imply that there is something to be gained from monitoring and controlling it.
Letting it go
Self monitoring and control are a recipe for chronic tension not only in your face and head but likely your neck and elsewhere as your body’s natural balance is inhibited.
But as we have seen, such tension is a consequence of anxious, fearful, and negative thoughts about how we are seen and perceived by others.
The antidote to such thoughts are simply thoughts that feel better.
As children we took harsh comments at face value, but as adults we know that people who offer unsolicited criticism like that are typically full of s***.
Looking back, the people who criticised me the most turned out to be the least pleasant people to be around, and their rampant negativity and even harsher self-talk is now obvious.
As an adult I’ve seen so many different faces, some anxious and uptight, many profoundly oblivious and relaxed. There are no rules to how we should look and carry ourselves and be. No one goes around, taking people aside to warn them against being too ugly, too stupid-looking, too arrogant looking, too anything.
If you can retell the story around physical tension in whatever form you inflict it, you will be able to let it go.
Our aim should be to soothe those thoughts in a direction of security, trust, and letting go.
Ultimately, people have all kinds of faces, expressions, and body language. But we know from our own observation that what is inside each of us will shine through. For us that includes tension and resistance and fear at the moment. But it doesn’t have to, and it won’t forever. As we soothe and soften our negative thoughts, we will inevitably find the ease and relief we desire.