Happiness Day 15

Dealing with contrast.

Physical pain, a screaming baby, a dozen minor annoyances.

It’s a pretty good place to be, to be feeling like ****, dealing with a bunch of small gripes and irritations, and knowing inside out that this is exactly where you are meant to be.

Not lashing out or exploding or spiralling downward. Not making things worse or losing hope or giving up entirely – though you may have done all that plenty of times in the past.

But knowing that things only feel bad because they have to get better. Knowing because you’ve seen this pattern repeat six or seven times in the past half-year alone.

Knowing, thank God, that these are questions calling forth answers by the mere fact we notice them and want an answer.

We don’t have to have the answer at hand or know what it will look like, because the question itself is what brings the answer to us.

And all we need to do is not cling so tight to the contrast, and not keep focusing so much on how difficult or troubling or impossible the situation feels.

In other words we need to have a little bit of faith in the process.

I’ve been around long enough to know that these small everyday burdens can feel excruciating in the moment, but they are not forever. And in their passage we are raised up and brought to a higher perspective.

They’re questions! Our struggle with them is a question! Our inability to cope with them is a question!

And in time we may go from struggle and frustration to eagerness and excitement when we see a new question form and wonder what the answer is going to be.

My pain is going to subside, my baby is going to sleep well, and the other nuisances are barely worth mentioning and will shortly be forgotten and submerged in the rising tide as I get better and better at feeling good.

This is the worst I’ve felt in fifteen days of focusing on happiness. That alone is a sign of how far I’ve come. If this is the worst I’ve felt, then that alone is something to appreciate.

My happiness work is going so well I even feel good about feeling bad right now!

That’s a suitable paradox as I wish you all a Happy Easter.

Happiness Day 14

What moves you to worry?

Being open and feeling good, I suddenly start to worry:

What time are we supposed to leave? Do we need to bring drinks? Will any shops be open? Are we swimming? What is the plan?

I want to stop the worry before it arises. But how can I do that?

Motivation – what moves you?

Motivation is literally what moves you – into action, into thought, into focus.

I don’t enjoy the worry, so why am I embracing worried thoughts? What moves me?

It’s always either desire or aversion that makes us move. I’m moved to worry because I desire something or because I’m trying to avoid something.

If I pay attention I can feel a more intense fear behind the worry. A fear of consequences if I don’t start worrying.

Worry gives the illusion of control, a sense of preparedness, but it is still an expression of fear and a focus on the unwanted aspects of life.

Unhappy distractions

This is a big deal. Worries feel bad, but we reach for them to avoid feeling something worse.

We want to be worried, we just aren’t at all happy about it. We don’t like being worried, but we keep unconsciously choosing it.

Knowing that I want to worry helps me understand why worry is so hard to shake. It’s hard to shake off something that you keep picking up!

Facing the fear

Fear of consequences is what motivates me to worry.

I fear what will happen if I’m late, or if I don’t plan the trip well or if I make a social faux pas.

Fear of vague and unspecified consequences is deeply uncomfortable, and it makes sense that I would choose to worry about more specific and tangible things.

There’s not much more to say at this point, but by becoming conscious of worry as a choice I can choose not to worry and experience the fear instead.

Face the fear, see that the consequences never come, and enjoy the relief of letting the worry go.

Happiness Day 13

Chasing your shadow.

Today I’ve been caught up in the parallels between my approach to weight loss, and my current efforts to improve my life by feeling better.

I like my weight-loss approach because it cut out all my uncertainty and confusion, but also took me deep into my own motivations and feelings around eating.

I like it because it took something that was simply a struggle and showed me the cross-purposes in my own mind, hidden behind self-deception.

Most of all I liked it because it worked. That’s why I’m applying the same process and intensity to my goal of feeling better.

Reality is a shadow

Chasing your shadow means mistaking the effect for the cause, the symptom for the underlying disease. In the context of weight loss I learned to stop focusing on being overweight as an undesirable state, because it was really just the symptom or effect.

The real issue was my relationship with food. I even went so far as to say that being overweight was a healthy physical response to unhealthy eating habits.

I viewed my weight as always good, always a clear indicator of my relationship with food.

What was undesirable was not my weight but my approach to eating.

Reality is like your body weight

By analogy my experience of life is always a clear indicator of my relationship with God, my inner being, the spirit within me.

Because God is always reaching out to us. Our inner being is always pouring love and appreciation into us. And this spiritual reality would colour and infuse our whole existence and physical reality if we stopped turning away from it and clinging to unwanted things.

I’ve seen it today in my own mind: I may be feeling peace and happiness and appreciation, but then I reach for thoughts of worry and deadlines and “I need to get the kids dressed in the next twenty minutes or we’ll be late!”

What do I get out of it?

My relationship with food changed when I realised I didn’t like being overweight, but part of me quietly, determinedly, wanted to eat as an escape and distraction from unpleasant feelings.

Losing weight was always a struggle because I was wanting contradictory things and hiding the conflict from myself.

So by inference there must be something I want to get from feeling bad. I must want to focus on bad feeling thoughts even while I’m trying to focus on good feeling thoughts.

Why?

Well perhaps it’s because feeling bad, worried, and stressed gives the illusion of safety.

Feeling crappy all the time might be draining, but it’s much better than walking unawares into danger.

At least, in any given moment it’s much much better to feel worried and vigilant than to be caught by surprise and feel the sudden shock and terror or hurt or panic at being accused, threatened, ridiculed, or tricked by others.

In other words, thoughts that feel bad might help us approach situations with caution and self-protective guardedness.

But as a long term strategy the cost is too great. And since we create our reality it’s also a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If I imagine letting go of that guardedness and protective cynicism I do indeed feel afraid of something worse. Better to get hit when you’re expecting it than to go down to a sucker-punch.

But it’s much much worse to go through life flinching at every imagined blow.

I think the way forward is to face the fear of being open and unsuspecting of harm, and not seek to avoid that fear by dampening my happiness.

It might be intimidating at first but it will also be a huge relief to own the fear directly rather than taking so many demoralising efforts to avoid it.

Redirect your attention

Each day take attention away from thoughts and things that feel bad and give attention to thoughts and things that feel good.

In time you will no longer have any bad feeling thoughts in your mind or things in your life.

In time the redirection of your attention won’t be from bad to good, but from good to better.

Always finding better feeling thoughts no matter what the circumstances or conditions around you, even the most unpleasant thought can be soothed and even the happiest thought can expand further.

In time your whole existence will be one of joyfully keeping up with the expanding happiness within you and around you.

Is happiness challenging?

Today is day 12 of my Happiness Challenge and I’m pleased to say that happiness is not feeling like a challenge anymore.

I’ve been training myself to feel better regardless of the circumstances, and I’m really glad to report that my focused effort is paying off.

I’m pleased to give credit to Esther Hicks and the Abraham teachings. I found them at the right time, letting go of my resistance and accepting that feeling good really is my goal in life.

Other teachings inspired me and gave me hope, but none of them were exactly right.

Of course it wasn’t about the teachings per se, but my own reluctance to accept the simple answer of feeling good.

In hindsight I was seeking Truth and insight and understanding because I thought these would help me feel good.

But I was so caught up in my intellectual seriousness and wanting to justify and explain myself that I couldn’t just feel good directly.

Now I look at all those teachings as…surplus. I don’t need them in order to feel good.

Maybe other people do need them, and I don’t mean that in a disparaging way but in the sense that we all have different questions and hence desire different answers.

People could just as easily look at me and wonder why I’m making such a big deal about relaxing and feeling better.

Ultimately we can only live our own lives and no one else’s. I take pleasure in letting go of my efforts to explain myself and make my thoughts comprehensible to others.

I take pleasure in allowing my authentic feelings to develop and change without looking for consistency with others’ words and actions.

In the end other people can’t validate my own thoughts, feelings and desires, because they are mine. Validity was never truly the question.

That’s why my interests and passions have so frequently turned out to be marginal and obscure by others’ estimation.

I studied philosophy but I’m not really a philosopher. I learn a martial art but it’s rare and unusual. I love coffee but roast and brew my own.

Everything I do, I tend to take in a direction of my own utmost individual experience.

Because in the end it’s all about individual experience. That’s the vantage point life affords us.

We haven’t come into being only to quickly die and be reabsorbed back into some cosmic whole. God didn’t create us as individual points of consciousness only to have us immediately blend into one.

The point is simply to feel good, and enjoy the unfolding of this experience; and if you’re not enjoying it, the tools are available to help you remember how.

Happiness Challenge Day 11

Your attention is your most valuable resource.

This is Day 11 of a process designed to help me focus on feeling good.

I want to feel good all the time.

But I can’t keep score along the way. And I don’t want to go back and tell the story of where I came from and why I want to feel good.

At some point these justifications and explanations and score-keeping only serve to remind me of the past.

Why remind ourselves of the past? At first it might feel good to say “look how far I’ve come” but even a positive reminder still keeps that reference point alive in our minds.

I’m beginning to realise how valuable my attention is.

We can only focus on one thought at a time. Telling the story of how I used to feel might not be a bad thought, but aren’t there better-feeling thoughts I could be focusing on instead?

I’m getting better at picking thoughts that feel good. I’ve even drafted and redrafted this post because I keep wanting it to feel better and better. I have a tantalising sense that something far far greater is on its way.

So without keeping score, but maybe keeping track: at the end of day eleven I’m feeling very very good.

Happiness Challenge Day 10

Feeling good is your magic power.

I used to love fantasy stories as a kid, and even as I grew up I longed to find magic in the real world.

Eventually I grew disenchanted, and sought my magic in spiritual teachings instead.

But I’ve found my magic power after all. It’s called feeling good, and though I’m only a novice at it I can already see the effects of this magic in myself and in my world.

If I could go back in time I would teach my younger self exactly what I’m learning now.

Feeling good is the key; practice reaching for thoughts that feel good, no matter what the circumstances.

My favourite thing to do right now is to sit and simply feel good.

Well I say “simply” but I’m also aware that by feeling good I’m allowing this magic to spread within myself and through the farthest reaches of my reality.

In untold and mysterious ways, my feeling good benefits and improves everything and everyone around me.

My feeling good works magic on the whole of life, because in fact it is “life” itself that causes the good feeling in me.

It might make more sense to some readers if instead of “feeling good” I called it meditation or contemplative prayer.

All those monks and nuns and hermits and spiritual people around the world, sitting daily or on their knees communing with God or drawing on the great reserve of love and compassion and radiating it out to the entire world: they know what they’re doing is magical. They feel their part in the deep wellspring of peace and joy that flows to all of us, even if we are not ready to receive it.

Do you know that what we call God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and exists outside of time and space? So when we pray or meditate on this pure Being we participate in something totally transcendent.

And at the same time we allow that totally transcendent Being of pure love to participate in us and in our reality.

That is why this practice feels so good that it might as well be magic.

Learning to let go: lessons from a 1yo baby

Why do I feel relieved when my 1yo daughter goes down for a nap?

Why do I not reach for the same feeling of relief while she is awake?

Isn’t it just my own resistance?

The Dao of parenting…sleep deprivation edition

Parenting is really really demanding.

But it’s our own resistance that makes those demands difficult to meet.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking to preach here; last night was one of the most challenging I’ve had in a while, so I want to move forward on this subject.

It helps to see these challenges as bringing to attention our own pockets of resistance.

But don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t feel like that right now.

When things feel really tough it’s not the best time to reach for answers. At those times the best we can do is to find the barest positives like “at least we’re all still alive!”

Here comes some resolve!

But this morning I’m feeling a little more focused. I know last night was an unwanted experience. I know I didn’t reach for relief. I know I can do better and by doing better I mean feeling better.

So I intend to remember the things I learned and applied with our first child.

Our first child was a steep learning curve and there were tough times for sure. But I recall moments of real clarity and focus that I now think were even more powerful than I realised at the time.

Be like water

The Dao is often likened to water, because water flows without effort, never holds itself back, is content to take the lowest position, but in the grand scheme of things is unstoppable in its influence.

Interacting with an infant or young child, being like water means being sensitive and adaptable without contrivances or resistance.

After all, children want to be happy and feel good. We don’t make them happy, we merely provide the basic things they need.

Happiness comes naturally.

In Chinese this kind of nature is 自然 ziran and I love this word because it basically means “flows from oneself”.

So the happiness of a child flows from itself.

But that’s not how it feels. It feels like the little darling wants to scream and cry and be constantly dissatisfied.

How can happiness be natural when the kid is so often inconsolable?

Let go of resistance

It may not be obvious at first, but there is a natural flow and it is most likely our resistance to that flow that comes before the screaming and crying kick in.

We need to be sensitive and let go of our own demands and arbitrary deadlines and procedures. In effect, we need to be guided by the child.

But the guiding can’t start in the midst of a meltdown. Start when things are relatively easy.

She has to eat!

Here’s my first point of resistance. She has to eat, and it’s vital that she eat at this time because she needs to sleep at this other time, or else she’ll be overtired and the whole schedule will fall apart and she’ll probably get sick and we’ll all die horribly..

Okay that last part is exaggerated.

But notice that before she gets upset, I’m approaching her with a determination that she must eat a certain amount of food at a specific time or else everything will fall apart!

What if she’s not hungry?

What if she’s teething and it hurts to eat?

What happens if she doesn’t eat right now?

Have a little faith

If she doesn’t eat right now, she’ll eat later when she’s hungry.

If she doesn’t sleep right this minute, she’ll sleep later when she’s tired.

And guess what? Feeding her later and sleeping her later will be so much easier if I haven’t spent the past hour or so fighting with her to eat when she’s not hungry and sleep when she’s not tired!

A little bit of faith in nature is essential. And if you talk to anyone who’s had a few kids their faith is heavily seasoned by experience.

Speaking of nature as “flowing from oneself”, our 1yo hadn’t pooped for three whole days. But we knew from our first child (and yes we worried back then) that this is totally normal.

Make sure they have plenty of water, make sure their diet is good. Otherwise just sit back and wait because it will inevitably flow from themselves!

And when it comes, it will come abundantly….

But what about my schedule?

If your schedule works, then keep doing it. But if you’re finding that “nothing works!”, if you’re at the end of your tether, then consider no longer fighting, resisting, or struggling.

What I’m reminding myself is that when I let go of my preconceptions and resistance and have the intention to just flow naturally, I become more relaxed and more sensitive to what is going on.

I’m better able to read her moods and wants and needs and she seems to adapt to my greater ease and letting go of the struggle.

We create our reality

My problem is not that I’m forced to care for a difficult child single-handed. My problem is that I’ve let worries and cares and resistance accrue for a while and I’ve only gone looking for relief when I felt completely overwhelmed.

It’s taken time for me to acknowledge I want life to be different on this subject.

And then it took more time for me to know how I want it to be different, the kind of difference I’d like to see.

It’s not about the baby, it’s about me and my habits of reaching for better feelings, or digging more firmly into resistance.

So to come full circle – she’s asleep right now, not because I made an effort or was super patient, but because I felt suddenly inspired to leave the house and go for a walk with her.

She fell asleep about twenty minutes into the walk, but I hardly noticed because I was busy looking at the beautiful houses and trying to work out which house owned a tiny little driveway that I’d never noticed, tucked away between two other houses.

It turned out to be the rear entrance to a massive heritage estate, taking up about 4,000 sqm of land right in the midst of ordinary suburbia.

I’d never noticed it before, but isn’t that a wonderful omen? In the midst of “normalcy” we might stumble upon the path to something amazing and beautiful, so long as we are open to that experience!

Happiness Challenge Day 8

This morning I’m feeling uncharacteristically happy, and I love it.

I just got off the computer and found myself feeling like I’d just accomplished something wonderful, but couldn’t remember what it was.

Once upon a time I would have punctured that good mood immediately, worried I was losing my grip on reality.

“You can’t feel good without doing something to deserve it!

But actually I have done something: I’ve spent the last eight days challenging myself to make feeling good the rule, no exceptions.

And on the back of nearly two years of gradual work at feeling better, I’ve well and truly earned this feeling of ease, satisfaction, and accomplishment.

I’ve become so good at finding relief that last night we took the kids to a movie screening at the park, and I looked after them on my own for four hours, including feeding them and getting them to bed, so my wife could go to a local Symphony performance.

That might not sound like a big deal, but not so long ago I would have felt too tired, too stressed, or too anxious.

I would have asked my wife to choose between the movie or the symphony because both was “too much” for me to handle alone.

I’ve learned to actively find relief, knowing that this not only feels better right away, but also makes my future path easier.

So I’m relishing this good feeling right now, making hay while the sun shines, but also knowing the sun will always shine, and I love the rain just as much anyway!