When the search ends

I’ve spent all my adult life searching for answers. But what happens when the search comes to an end?

I thought my search would lead me into rich, esoteric disciplines and fields of deep wisdom, and so it did. But I didn’t find the answers there.

Instead the answers proved to be so personal, particular to me; and everything else I learned along the way sits in a kind of limbo: it has some intrinsic value, but none of it is the shining light I thought it would be.

Everything I studied, researched and pursued had the common underlying theme of resolving the nebulous sense of “something wrong” within me or within life itself. I had an insatiable thirst for deeper understanding of reality and myself.

Now that I’ve identified and begun to remedy the “something wrong”, what do I do with myself, amidst all the paraphernalia and legacy of decades’ search?

I know more than most about eclectic subjects like philosophy, theology, Eastern religion and all its accompanying disciplines like Yoga, martial arts, divination, meditation, New Age thought, psychology, and aspects of history, politics, physiology and so on. But I know it because I rifled through it in search of something else.

I’m not searching anymore. My search is at an end. Now what? Most people my age would have an identity formed from their interests and passions, but mine has been so closely tied to a deeply personal search that I’m not even sure how to begin to talk to others about these subjects, or if these are even the subjects I care about going forward.

My questions were not universal questions, and neither are my answers universal. I may have found “the meaning of life” but it turns out that’s not what I was looking for.

Maybe there’s nothing that can replace the search. The drive behind it was so primal and intense, like a fight for survival it overshadowed ordinary interests and motivations, drawing off time and energy and passion.

What is life supposed to look like going forward? I’m not as clueless as I might think. The answers here are much simpler than those I used to search for: feel good. Do things that feel good. Think thoughts that feel good. Relax, don’t worry about anything.

Abraham-Hicks says that we will never run out of questions to ask, the search will never end, because the whole point of the universe is expansion, freedom, and joy.

My great search may be over, but there are new questions forming for me. Questions like this one, that spurred me to write this post. And with everything I’ve learned, I know that the answers are not supposed to be difficult, and that the process is supposed to feel good.

Questions and answers can come and go with ease. It doesn’t have to be a great search anymore and I don’t have to justify it with struggle or with lengthy periods of searching. Life will cause me to keep asking, and all I need to do is be in the right mode to receive the answers.

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