I’ve come a long way in clearing up resistance on various subjects, and it’s an understatement to say that my path has been unusual.
In learning to be happy I’ve had to approach it modestly, practicing just the most simple intention to feel better, and dealing with resistance as it arises.
It feels like I’m piece by piece undoing the damage from my past – not just the original complex trauma, but my own flawed attempts to overcome it back then.
Following the Underhill text in my previous post, I had taught myself a peculiar kind of self-observation and absorption, treating my own mind, body and feelings as an object to be observed and controlled, as I searched for true freedom and peace from the disorganised and disruptive environment I lived in.
Like putting a kink in a hose to try to stop the flow…and perhaps that was what I needed at the time. But the flow is life. Stopping it is painful and debilitating.
It reminds me of a person I once met who had gotten into drugs as a teenager to try to escape his own emotional disregulation. Years later his life is his own again. I could relate to his journey, but my mind-altering substance was textual rather than chemical.
Again, maybe that was better than the alternatives? People dissociate because they need to, not for fun. And people chase dreams because they are inspired. My spiritual life was a combination of the two – using dissociation techniques to chase the dream of true freedom.
But I’ve stopped now. That false technique doesn’t serve me anymore and I feel a new immediacy and closeness to my emotional guidance, letting go of the distance and dryness I had put there on purpose.
Feeling good feels better than it did yesterday or any time prior, because I’m no longer trying to separate myself from myself, or observe myself as I go about life.
And I can see now that good feeling thoughts really are enough! I really do have the power to feel how I want to feel, by choosing to focus on things that feel good.
My poor burned-out brain is getting some relief. My mind can stop going cross-eyed for the first time in years. I can feel what I feel, without having to observe that I’m feeling it.
I can finally switch off.