Caution: may contain answers. Please do not touch the paradox.
The basic law of attraction idea is that you get more of whatever you focus on.
I’ve been focused on understanding and answers for about twenty years, super-intense rumination, philosophy and mysticism, hoping I would suddenly find the pearl of great price and be perfect.
It was mostly motivated by fear and lack, so of course the answers I found were never enough.
In learning to meditate I’m wanting to go beyond that whole dimension of answers I’ve accrued and find something more satisfying and more pure.
That’s a good intention. In fact it’s inspiration. I have a backlog of unfelt relief three miles high just waiting to be enjoyed.
Meditation for narrative discontinuity
Without going all author-itative on you, I know what it’s like to write a story, a narrative, and keep thinking “what’s next?” while smoothing out the continuity.
There’s a whole lot of unspoken convention and flow that keeps the audience engaged, and a potentially infinite number of things that could be written that would break the narrative and ruin the story.
We don’t like stories where the character or the setting change for no reason.
But that’s exactly what I want for myself
My own continuity is holding me back, and the continuity lives in my habitual thoughts. Meditation as a way of finding relief without habitual thinking is like a personal deus ex machina swooping in to change things without regard to narrative coherence.
Deus ex meditatio?
My Latin is crap but you get the idea.
Meditation feels like intense relief because it takes me out of the old story, the confining narrative I’ve kept alive for myself.
When I was severely depressed the stories I wrote were bleak and horrible without meaning to be. It’s just what made sense in that state of mind.
How much moreso the story I’ve told myself only half-aware?
When meditation stops the story, it’s the ultimate freedom from old narrative pressures, conventions and constraints. It’s a new creation, true rest, and respite from a world that doesn’t need to be.
I don’t have to make this relief fit; I can’t. My old story is an old wineskin. Time to start afresh.