Insights are coming in a flurry now.
Sitting at the computer I notice what’s always been there, the feeling of someone looking over my shoulder, a reflection of my own inner sense of shirking my duties.
“Have to” means you owe something. Do I owe anyone anything? I prefer to look at my life in terms of the things I would like, love, and enjoy doing.
The same action can be performed with love or with obligation. Which would you prefer?
The mystics tell us that every particle of creation is vibrating with divine joy and love, not with obligation, burden, and IOU.
What should I be doing, if not enjoying life? What could be more pressing than love, joy, and appreciation?
I have this old pattern of resistance, this thought that someone has demands of me and they aren’t going to be happy with me unless I fulfil them, and even then they won’t be truly satisfied, just temporarily appeased.
But if I’m honest (and there is no such person) I can see that I found some direction, some certainty, and some consolation in letting others tell me what to do.
I came to rely on others for my direction and purpose. That way I didn’t have to work out my own preferences and desires. I could hide behind other people: parents, siblings, friends, and follow their lead.
I could be a non-person who just fitted in with others and received praise for adapting and not resisting.
I didn’t really know how to do my own thing, and I didn’t understand how others were so sure of their preferences. It made sense to give way and it felt good just to follow.
But that’s a shitty way to live your life, and as people grow and variegate and specialise you realise you can’t follow them all.
However daunting it might be to work out what you want, it only takes intention, focus and practice.
And the fear of being criticised, of owning things that might make you stand out and attract unhelpful advice…well isn’t it better to focus instead on the pleasure and enjoyment of following your genuine desires?
Not knowing what you want is not a virtue or a skill. Being insensitive to your own preferences is not the same as being adaptable. Others won’t thank you for fitting in with their plans, they’ll just assume you’re where you want to be anyway.
So why not be there? Work out where you want to be and stop hiding behind other people’s plans and momentum as if they define the limits of your world.