How can we be unaware of our own conflicting wants and intentions?
I want to feel good, but part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me thinks feeling good is pointless without the power and control and knowledge to protect oneself from others.
I’ve encountered these internal divisions before but now I have a way to explain it.
There is no actual division, just momentum.
I have old thoughts about needing to be in control and how vain it is to feel happy without the power to ensure it. These thoughts have momentum, and they pull in a different direction from my new thoughts about happiness and feeling good.
These old thoughts were fairly intense, but momentum is just momentum. As I change my thoughts the new direction becomes stronger and eventually will dominate.
It can help to recognise that my old thoughts are based on a premise I no longer agree with.
I no longer believe that life just happens to us through circumstances largely beyond our control. Instead I think we create our reality, our experience through our focus and attention.
So while I used to think the best I could do was to develop self-control to resist the infringements of a hostile environment, now I think the best I can do is focus in the direction of thoughts and feelings that feel good, because this is the key to recreating my environment.
Don’t lose hope. Momentum is gradually dispelled and false premises are abandoned. It won’t all happen at once, but with persistence it will happen.
This blog post itself is an expression or reflection of the change in my thoughts’ momentum too. Feeling good has become powerful enough that the conflict with my old thoughts rose to the surface naturally!
Persist in feeling better! It may take a while but the change is inevitable. And then you will get to experience the joy of focusing with a unified mind and thoughts.